Scattered Thoughts~ death n family

Wow.. There have been times when I THOUGHT I was going through a bad spell.. but this year has been one for the book.. A man broke up with me! Ric did... I let someone get close to me after all this time and in the spring I let Ric into my personal life. Only to have him tell me it wouldn't work out OVER the PHONE 4 days after the Dr office CALLED me and said my cancer cells were back. He says one had nothing to do with the other, but the timing sucked.. He was actually the first man to break up with me since I was 18 years old. Yes, I was hurt.
          Then 2 months ago my dad had a stroke in the same room as me. Dad, my son Justin and I live together. I took him to the hospital and he came home 3 days later, slower, more forgetful and a little more crabby. A month after that a call from my Biological family that my mother's cancer was really bad, she had been taken to the hospital. Spent a couple days there and then the wait at home :(   Mary and Carol (sisters) set with mother the most - Mary was up from Texas and taking care of her everyday. Carol was off work and would stay for a few days at a time. I would go up and stay for 3 days at a time then come back home for 2 or 3 days with dad and Justin. Sister Brenda would stop in sometimes when she wasn't working. Brother Carl wasn't around much at all. Hospice was a great help and wonderful people. Cancer is the most awful thing to see someone go through. I have never watched anyone die from it and hope to never see it again. The pain, fear, frustration, agony... so horrible to see someone in so much pain and nothing you can do about it. The things she said in pain and you wonder. Near the end you pray for peace and that Heaven will be there.. Mother passed away Sept 22nd 2012. 5:45 pm
        Thursday before mother passed away, we found out something interesting... an elderly aunt came to visit and took my sister off to the side and was telling her about an adopted sister.. assuming she was talking about me, since I was adopted at birth and found them 25 years ago....  until she said the 'other' sister's name was Eileen... after a brief quiz of mother that evening and next morning, and mother shut the conversation down fast... since we all had mother's health on our minds at the time and figured we would deal with another sibling later, we dropped it. Five days later, at the funeral home, a lone woman shows up. Walks up to Mary, Brenda and I at the casket and tries to introduce herself as Eileen.... Imagine our surprise!
       Among the other things that did or should have happened in the past summer..... other than being bipolar, PTSD and some depression..  I cancelled my colonoscopy, I cancelled my adrenaline induced stress test, I had another MRI done for my Traumatic Brain Injury, Going to the Neurolgist Thursday Oct 4.. that is a few of the things I can remember at this moment... sometimes self medicating helps in times like these...

Worse Day of the Year

Feb. 5th is the worse day of the year for me. Fifteen years ago I lost my mother that raised me. She fell ill and two days later she passed out in a Dr office and died in my arms with my eleven year old son and my dad standing there. I sat on the floor and held her in my arms and knew she was gone. I wanted to scream and cry and make her come back and all I could do was be strong for my dad and my son. All we had from the beginning was the four of us in our little family. I was raised an only child and so was my son. So we were a very close little family and now our very core had been shattered. Now fifteen years later and I'm still shaken when I think of this day being near and I cry and relive that day over. I wonder if I might have done anything to make her proud of me, if she would have been disappointed in me? Would I have ever left Pa and moved to Georgia  nine years ago to start life over? How much of my life would be different? I know my son would have been different because he changed so much after he lost his grandma. BUT we can't go back and change what happened. Only move forward and do what I think would have made her proud now. Talk to her and tell her I love her still and miss her... 

A New Day

Well, I went to church yesterday, and it didn't go as well as I had hoped. I need to pray more and harder. Tomorrow will be a different day, Justin and I are going to start walking. The circle is about 4 miles long and then the work out bench in the garage. Justin is going to lift weights also. We are both going to start eating better, more chicken and fish, less pasta and starches. We have both set a goal weight, his was to lose 20 lbs and mine was 25. I'd like to lose 35 but not going to push it and be disappointed if I don't make it, so I'm going to stick with just 25. 
I need to get serious about my life and start living again.

Same ole' song and dance

Haven't been able to sleep at night so I've been awake till 5:00 am, sometimes 6:00, most every night (morning). Back up between 9:00 and noon. The pain in my neck and back makes it impossible to just set up sometimes in the morning and I have to roll off the bed to get up. ~ actually it's a daybed. My bedroom is not big enough for a regular bed.. So many things have happened the past 3 months that sometimes I just don't feel I can deal with it all. My grandma passing away in Nov. I sat and watched her starve to death for 9 days until God took her home. A month later a very close friend passed away. I saw a 12 year old girl beaten that I've known all her life. My lawyer dropped my case 3 weeks ago saying they don't have enough evidence now. ( I have all the hospital tests for the TBI and disk damage in my neck) A case I have been waiting for, only for 2 YEARS!! I have no money coming in. My photography business is going nowhere because I don't know anyone and have no money to advertise. I never know from one day to another how much pain I will be in. I can't go to the hospital because I have tattoos and around here that is a label that you are a drug addict and they won't give me what I need for my pain because they 'think' I am a drug addict. I can't go to a Dr because I don't have any income. NO I can't get a medical card because I have no under age children. Can't get HUD, again because I have no income. The damage that was done to my brain has affected my ability to retain what I read. Three years ago I was a Marketing manager, just promoted to office manager the day of my accident, a photographer and secretary for an overseas wine importing operation. Now I get confused talking to friends!! Have to use spell check for simple words. But there is nothing that can be done????? I try to not get depressed over this craziness but I can see how easy it is for people to end up on the street and homeless now. At the same time I was doing everything, I also owned a painting company. My son and ex boyfriend worked there. I did too on weekends and in a pinch. I loved it. We even painted homes for Kwame Brown, (who used to play for the LA Lakers) and a horse barn for Davis Love III (the golf pro) !! ooooWOW.. and here I am not even able to pay my bills. I don't have credit card bills, loan payments and all that. So don't think I was one of those who run up alot of credit charges. Not feeling sorry for myself either.... I feel blessed that I still have a home and food on the table! Sometimes I just get really overwhelmed by everything. Today was one of those days.....

Love Birds

I could be so lucky to find a love. The one I thought I found after waiting so long... turned out to be just like the rest, uncompassionate and everything has to revolve around him.

Morning Thoughts

Woke this morning with a migraine.. Getting better as the house warms up. It was 30* outside and the windchill was 20*, that is quite chilly for here in Georgia. With the shift in the weather over the past few years, even I have noticed how much colder it has gotten here in the south. When the house I am living in was built, there was no furnace installed. So when I woke this morning, it was COLD in here! All that heats it up is a single window unit that doubles as an AC in the summertime. Mind you I'm from the north and never seen one till I moved here. These are things you DO NOT let run all the time or you have a crazy electric bill. In the summer you have to clean these things regular also for scorpions too! Being that my house is in the country (and I do mean WAY out there), we get those little critters ~ scorpions ~ on a regular basis. Oh yea, and BIG spiders! When I moved here from the north I was terrified of spiders. I was actually attacked by a HUGE one in my kitchen as I opened a cabinet (5 years ago in a different house). She was carrying a pile of babies, it took a can of raid spider killer, and finally a fly swatter to kill her. As hundreds of babies ran everywhere (raid did not work), I found that windex DID kill the babies! Anyway, I found if you want to live in the country in the south, you also have to live with the critters. This past summer I went to open the door to let my dog out and as I grabbed the door latch, yea, there was a snake wrapped around the handle, it had came through a small gap in the screen of the door and was catching bugs (or waiting for the little green tree frogs that were catching bugs) from the porch light!
OH YEA... SO anyway.. it's warming up in here!

Random Thoughts Today

I used to think it was normal for me to have multiple things on my mind ALL the time. Seems I was thinking before my eyes opened in the morning. If I asked someone what they were thinking about and they said 'nothing', I could not understand that because I thought everyone's brain was like mine... it was always going 90 mph. Like right now.. I'm thinking about several different things to write about (is this right or the other one? ), should I go take photos today? What all do I have to do, make a mental list. What I have to do tomorrow, and several other things that my fingers can never keep up with by typing. ANYWAY! 

          ONE of the thoughts today was wondering if I should move back home to PA. In October my son and I went home for a visit, supposed to be 2 weeks and turned into a month. While we were there my grandmother had a stroke (she was 97 ), and 9 days later she passed away.  So we decided we would move back home in the spring of 2011.  All of our family lives there. My son and I are both divorced in Georgia and have no other family keeping us there. Before we left for PA, I was on my way to the photo club meeting and usually stop by the pier on the ocean for a walk. Yes, I met someone and I'll call him "D".  He asked me for dinner and we made a date for when I returned. A month later we had dinner and things went great. We have been seeing each other 2 to 3 times a week since Nov. 16th.  I never have smiled and laughed so much with a man.  Although there is a very mysterious side to him that makes me want to protect my heart, it also excites me because I feel like sometimes I'm in a spy movie. Really, to hear some of the things he tells me. I have checked some of the things out and most of the background I have found is real. But the mysterious stuff I can't find. Hey, even if it's not for real, it is exciting for now. At least this one is not abusing me. First sign and I am gone! Granted I've been living without all that fun and laughter for many years but it's not worth it if it turns bad! 

SO, now I wait and see what happens between D and I by the time spring gets here.  If I see this has no future, I will have to move on and go back to PA.  Well that is the plan for now.