A New Day

Well, I went to church yesterday, and it didn't go as well as I had hoped. I need to pray more and harder. Tomorrow will be a different day, Justin and I are going to start walking. The circle is about 4 miles long and then the work out bench in the garage. Justin is going to lift weights also. We are both going to start eating better, more chicken and fish, less pasta and starches. We have both set a goal weight, his was to lose 20 lbs and mine was 25. I'd like to lose 35 but not going to push it and be disappointed if I don't make it, so I'm going to stick with just 25. 
I need to get serious about my life and start living again.

Same ole' song and dance

Haven't been able to sleep at night so I've been awake till 5:00 am, sometimes 6:00, most every night (morning). Back up between 9:00 and noon. The pain in my neck and back makes it impossible to just set up sometimes in the morning and I have to roll off the bed to get up. ~ actually it's a daybed. My bedroom is not big enough for a regular bed.. So many things have happened the past 3 months that sometimes I just don't feel I can deal with it all. My grandma passing away in Nov. I sat and watched her starve to death for 9 days until God took her home. A month later a very close friend passed away. I saw a 12 year old girl beaten that I've known all her life. My lawyer dropped my case 3 weeks ago saying they don't have enough evidence now. ( I have all the hospital tests for the TBI and disk damage in my neck) A case I have been waiting for, only for 2 YEARS!! I have no money coming in. My photography business is going nowhere because I don't know anyone and have no money to advertise. I never know from one day to another how much pain I will be in. I can't go to the hospital because I have tattoos and around here that is a label that you are a drug addict and they won't give me what I need for my pain because they 'think' I am a drug addict. I can't go to a Dr because I don't have any income. NO I can't get a medical card because I have no under age children. Can't get HUD, again because I have no income. The damage that was done to my brain has affected my ability to retain what I read. Three years ago I was a Marketing manager, just promoted to office manager the day of my accident, a photographer and secretary for an overseas wine importing operation. Now I get confused talking to friends!! Have to use spell check for simple words. But there is nothing that can be done????? I try to not get depressed over this craziness but I can see how easy it is for people to end up on the street and homeless now. At the same time I was doing everything, I also owned a painting company. My son and ex boyfriend worked there. I did too on weekends and in a pinch. I loved it. We even painted homes for Kwame Brown, (who used to play for the LA Lakers) and a horse barn for Davis Love III (the golf pro) !! ooooWOW.. and here I am not even able to pay my bills. I don't have credit card bills, loan payments and all that. So don't think I was one of those who run up alot of credit charges. Not feeling sorry for myself either.... I feel blessed that I still have a home and food on the table! Sometimes I just get really overwhelmed by everything. Today was one of those days.....

Love Birds

I could be so lucky to find a love. The one I thought I found after waiting so long... turned out to be just like the rest, uncompassionate and everything has to revolve around him.

Morning Thoughts

Woke this morning with a migraine.. Getting better as the house warms up. It was 30* outside and the windchill was 20*, that is quite chilly for here in Georgia. With the shift in the weather over the past few years, even I have noticed how much colder it has gotten here in the south. When the house I am living in was built, there was no furnace installed. So when I woke this morning, it was COLD in here! All that heats it up is a single window unit that doubles as an AC in the summertime. Mind you I'm from the north and never seen one till I moved here. These are things you DO NOT let run all the time or you have a crazy electric bill. In the summer you have to clean these things regular also for scorpions too! Being that my house is in the country (and I do mean WAY out there), we get those little critters ~ scorpions ~ on a regular basis. Oh yea, and BIG spiders! When I moved here from the north I was terrified of spiders. I was actually attacked by a HUGE one in my kitchen as I opened a cabinet (5 years ago in a different house). She was carrying a pile of babies, it took a can of raid spider killer, and finally a fly swatter to kill her. As hundreds of babies ran everywhere (raid did not work), I found that windex DID kill the babies! Anyway, I found if you want to live in the country in the south, you also have to live with the critters. This past summer I went to open the door to let my dog out and as I grabbed the door latch, yea, there was a snake wrapped around the handle, it had came through a small gap in the screen of the door and was catching bugs (or waiting for the little green tree frogs that were catching bugs) from the porch light!
OH YEA... SO anyway.. it's warming up in here!

Random Thoughts Today

I used to think it was normal for me to have multiple things on my mind ALL the time. Seems I was thinking before my eyes opened in the morning. If I asked someone what they were thinking about and they said 'nothing', I could not understand that because I thought everyone's brain was like mine... it was always going 90 mph. Like right now.. I'm thinking about several different things to write about (is this right or the other one? ), should I go take photos today? What all do I have to do, make a mental list. What I have to do tomorrow, and several other things that my fingers can never keep up with by typing. ANYWAY! 

          ONE of the thoughts today was wondering if I should move back home to PA. In October my son and I went home for a visit, supposed to be 2 weeks and turned into a month. While we were there my grandmother had a stroke (she was 97 ), and 9 days later she passed away.  So we decided we would move back home in the spring of 2011.  All of our family lives there. My son and I are both divorced in Georgia and have no other family keeping us there. Before we left for PA, I was on my way to the photo club meeting and usually stop by the pier on the ocean for a walk. Yes, I met someone and I'll call him "D".  He asked me for dinner and we made a date for when I returned. A month later we had dinner and things went great. We have been seeing each other 2 to 3 times a week since Nov. 16th.  I never have smiled and laughed so much with a man.  Although there is a very mysterious side to him that makes me want to protect my heart, it also excites me because I feel like sometimes I'm in a spy movie. Really, to hear some of the things he tells me. I have checked some of the things out and most of the background I have found is real. But the mysterious stuff I can't find. Hey, even if it's not for real, it is exciting for now. At least this one is not abusing me. First sign and I am gone! Granted I've been living without all that fun and laughter for many years but it's not worth it if it turns bad! 

SO, now I wait and see what happens between D and I by the time spring gets here.  If I see this has no future, I will have to move on and go back to PA.  Well that is the plan for now. 

Come'on Give me a Chance !

Just a little time here folks, I need some time to warm up to ya'll. I can talk to almost anyone. My son always got upset with me when we went tot he store, probably why he stopped going in with me and set in the car and smoked. By the time we got to the register several people had talked to me and once the cashier was telling me about her abusive boyfriend and was in tears. Always people I didn't know. My son said I had a neon sign on my forehead that said 'talk to me'. But I try to be happy even in the worse times. When he was little (even now when he is 26) I would sing to him in the store and dance down the isles. Drives him crazy! NO I am not insane, just enjoying life while I can. Why walk around with a sad face or my nose in the air? Smile at everyone, say hi. Help someone reach something on a top shelf they can't get, pick something up and hand it to someone if they dropped it. I love doing little things for people and if one out of five are happy, I am happy. 

OK, more about WHO I am. I am 48 (just turned), but I hardly ever feel that age. But then how is someone 48 supposed to feel??  I love photography, and I am working on a couple books at this time (although I have been working on one of them for quite some time!). Life has been, at the least, interesting for me. Never a dull moment, although I sure wished many times it would have been. I will get into that over time!!! I am a survivor and not a victim anymore. Was married at 19 to a very abusive man who was 28. He beat me, mentally, sexually, verbally assaulted me and forced me to get pregnant. ( I love my son more than life once I was pregnant!) Then he  moved me away from my family where I couldn't call them. One day he went too far and threatened to kill our son if I ever left him. I went to a nearby store the next day and begged to use their phone and was gone before he got home. But as alot of women do, I went right into a second abusive marriage. That one left me with arthritis in my back and almost dead one night.  A drunken fist in the semi darkness of the kitchen right after I said 'Please don't'. It spun me in a 360* putting my knees through the cabinet doors. Before I could hit the floor he had me by the shirt and slammed me into the pantry door then onto the floor. A bright light flashed into my eyes (but there was no light in the room). In an instant he was sitting on my with my arms pinned at my sides and his hand on my throat. I just looked at him, the drunken rage... I couldn't fight back and the only thought I had was 'this is it, I'm going to die'.  Everything went black. ( did I mention he is 6'6" and 250 lbs) When I woke up he was standing over me, just looking at me. He walked to the over room and called a friend of his (an EMT) and said 'I almost killed her, you better get here'. Came back in the room, scooped me up, carried me to the couch and he went upstairs to the bedroom. Well, the friend came in and tried to get me to the hospital, I couldn't move my head for days and he said I could have lost my vision from the trauma to my head. But I knew going there would mean alot of questions. I left him a few years later. Live and learn. I know he was a good man without the alcohol. But I couldn't wait for that day to come. I've gone through much abuse and many other traumatic events that have caused me to have PTSD. Losing my mother suddenly in my arms in a Dr office. A car accident, A good man that I would have married was killed in 1981, a boyfriend was killed in 1998 on my birthday. Yeah, but like I said, smile and and be thankful for the day we have..

                   I'm sorry I got off onto OLD stuff way back then... I will do better and try to stay on track next time. Was just trying to give some background on who I am and what made me this way..  You don't know what that stranger might have gone through ~ smile at them, say Hi ....